Saturday, May 7, 2016

For the Drivers that Text/Talk on the Phone While Driving: Tips for Improvement*

In my daily commute, I have noticed multiple acts of idiocy - people texting/talking on their phones while driving.  How do I notice these people?  Well, for one, I just drive when I am driving.  My phone is nowhere to be found because I am driving a vehicle that can kill myself or others if not operated properly.  I also notice when people pass me doing 70+ MPH (the road I commute on is 55 MPH for anyone reading this in an area outside of Sussex County, Delaware) only to slow down to below the speed limit moments later while I am rocking my cruise control.  Another giveaway is when the person is swerving here and there - one lane, the shoulder, the middle - wherever they seem to think is fit while they read or write while driving.  Another fun bonus is when the person behind me is so incredibly close to my bumper, they may as well have just hitched a ride with me then they fall way far back to irritate other people behind them.

I've decided that I'm over this cell phone usage thing.  We are Americans, are we not?  We can surely come up with WAY better things to do while driving than simply text/talk on the phone.  Here are some ideas:
1.      Portable coffee/espresso maker, complete with steamer.  Not only can you have THE freshest coffee while driving but you can impress your friends with your barista skills when you carpool!
2.      Portable urinal.  Let's be honest, if you are going to have coffee while driving, eventually you are going to need to relieve yourself.  Why not learn how to urinate in a portable urinal WHILE driving?
3.      Straight razor shaving.  Electric shaving while driving is so 1980s.  Let's really get retro and bring back straight razors!  One word of caution: this type of self-care requires mad driving skills because of those rumble strips on the side.  It's like shaving EXTREME!
4.      Ladies, let's not leave you out on the shaving.  How about getting those legs taken care of?  So many women cruise with their legs on the dash heading to the beach - let's get those suckers super smooth on the way there!  Of course, only one leg at a time on this - you need to be able to hit the brake for those traffic jams.
5.      For those of you who just need something to do with your hands (no, pervert - keep it clean), how about an etch-a-sketch challenge?  Sure, you need to use BOTH hands for this but who really needs to keep hands on the steering wheel?  Getting bored with a typical etch-a-sketch commute?  Make it EXTREME - you have 15 seconds. Draw the Eiffel Tower.  Go!
6.      Interior table tennis.  Sure, table tennis is awesome in itself but let's take it to the next level and really learn how to use that rearview mirror for what it was intended.
7.      Ladies have been applying makeup and styling their hair behind the wheel for decades.  Let's turn this up and master spray tanning while in motion.  We've got this!
8.      Let's make lunch! Bonus: If you happen to flip your car multiple times, you've literally made a tossed salad!  Deduction: You wrecked your car.
9.      We've all heard of Paint Nite.  How about Car Paint?  How many Rembrandts, Picassos, or Bob Ross' (happy trees) can you make?  Keep your work wall art fresh!
10.  So, you've done all of these already and survived?  Fair enough.  How about blindfolded driving?  Use your other senses to determine when the light is red, where the lines of the road are located and what animal you just hit because you are in the woods, genius, or are you? Maybe that was a COW.

*NOTE: All suggestions are obviously sarcastic and should not in any way be attempted.  If they seem ridiculous, it's because they are just like texting/talking on the phone while driving.  Knock it off and focus on the task at hand!

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