Wednesday, December 30, 2015

New Year - New Resolution: What the Hell? or What the Hell!

I have turned into a routine person.  It seems strange for me to admit to this because I have thought of myself as the opposite for most of my life.  I can't say for sure when routine became my thing as I can only seem to recognize this when I am experiencing non-routine situations and fall into a sense of confusion, similar to the "What the hell?" movement as opposed to the, "What the hell!" movement.

I hate resolutions for the new year.  People set up these outlandish goals, like to exercise and eat right.  Honey, if you haven't been doing that before 1/1, chances are it ain't happenin' after 1/10.  So, with that in mind, I have resolved to make a resolution to the best of my current state.  I was originally thinking that I would do or try something new at least once a week but I quickly realized that my out for that would be to try new foods and would likely end up being 48 new flavors of ice cream and 4 new potato chip flavors or some other item, like different types of chocolate.  I also realized that doing or trying involves a break from the routine and while I think I can do that periodically, once a week would immediately throw me into that category of outlandish goal setter.   For this year, I will be breaking the routine and setting a resolution that may be achievable.  To do or try something new at least once a month.  I think I can find 12 new things that won't send me spinning into, "What the hell?" but might possibly lead to a resolution for the following year to join the "What the hell!" movement.  I'm also making a personal promise that these new things will only be food related for up to 3 of the 12.  Recommendations?  Suggestions?  Share in the comments!

Monday, December 7, 2015

Elf on the Shelf: Tips for Parents Who Have Simply Given Up

I have seen a few suggestions this season about what to do if your elf doesn't move.  While most of them are quite the charm with simple rationale, a few have taken a whole other turn.  A turn that just seems like the parent has given up such as a doctor's note stating the elf can't move for three days because he is sick or the elf can't move for two weeks due to a broken leg.

Now, I don't consider myself and elf on the shelf guru, especially when you consider that I never went down this tangled path of lies and deceit that may lead to paranoia about what is real and what is not  but I do believe these are simply ways for the adult in the household to still do the cool thing but with as little effort as possible.  Then it hit me - three days, two weeks?  LAME.  I know we can come up with better ideas than that!  So tonight I will share with you my starter list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions for parents who have simply given up.  Please note, these ideas may cause way, way more harm than just moving the elf like you are supposed to do so proceed with caution.  I take no responsibility/ownership/ liability/other legal terminology here for any results of these ideas

1.       Send a note from Santa that says the following, "Dear (insert kid's name here), We have had a huge increase in demand for toys this year due to the number of good boys and girls around the world.  While this is great news, it comes with consequences.  (insert elf's name here) will not be able to hang out at your house this season because (she or he) will be helping me to prepare for Christmas.  Rest assured, however, that I have provided your [ lazy] parent with instructions on how to report your behaviors to me.  Keep up the good work and gifts aplenty will be arriving for Christmas morning.  With love, Santa [Jolly St. Nick, Kris Kringle, whatever y'all call him in your part of the world]"

2.       This one is really fun - send a note from The Grinch stating that (elf's name) has been kidnapped!  The only way to have him or her return is to complete the following tasks without complaint! (Clean room, do laundry, wrap gifts, make dinner, vacuum, walk the dog, take out the trash - whatever extensive list of chores you need done that will take a while).  Once the kid stops crying, this should play right into your hands.

3.        Choose the least-favored, furthest distance in mileage relative you don't care for that is visiting for Thanksgiving and tell your kids that you saw (relative's name) pack (elf's name) in his/her bag before leaving Thanksgiving weekend.  She/he won't be back until next Thanksgiving but that won't matter because (I think) the magic will be gone and (elf's name) won't be able to fly home.  The benefit is that, while this will tragically effect your child, at least you won't have to have any more contact with that one relative you can't tolerate and the whole elf thing is behind us.

4.       The elf was stealing your credit card information and making fraudulent charges on your cards.  You only found out because she or he neglected to change the email address on one of the orders and it hit your inbox.  We don't even know who this elf is anymore!  Santa has offered (elf name) counseling but it isn't likely he or she will be invited back next year.

5.       The dog ate the elf (little bits of elf all around the room at your discretion).

Thursday, December 3, 2015

How to thwart a break-in if you are home

If you haven't picked up on this yet, I have a smartcastic type of humor.  So, I was thinking today about how to hold off an attacker or robber that comes into the house (I don’t know why, I’m just weird like that). 

My thoughts turned into things to say if someone breaks in:
1 – Well, it’s about damn time you got here, this laundry and vacuuming isn’t going to do itself! 
2 – Really?  You broke my door!  What’s up with that?  I mean, sure, steal whatever but breaking my door is too much.  Do you have cash on you because I sure as hell don’t have money to pay for that!
3 – Dude, you got the wrong house!  Didn’t Louie give you the address?  Oh, you don’t know Louie?  Well, that explains it.  See, you were supposed to go down Rehoboth Blvd, turn towards Abbotts – oh, have you been there?  They have the most amazing mac & cheese – anyway, yea, go down about two or three blocks and check out the building on the left – that is the place you want – they have the best stuff there (note: provide directions to your local police station).
4 – Oh, hey, my phone is on the charger, can I use yours?  I need to make a really important call.  It’s private though, so I need you to step back outside.  Do you have unlimited text?  Just kidding, I’ll only be on for a few minutes.  Thanks.
5 – Where’s the freakin’ pizza?  Oh, you aren’t the pizza guy?  Well, I expect him to be here any minute now.  Can you leave – he gets mad when I order from competitors.  Broke my door last week!

Do you have any to add?  Share!