Monday, December 7, 2015

Elf on the Shelf: Tips for Parents Who Have Simply Given Up

I have seen a few suggestions this season about what to do if your elf doesn't move.  While most of them are quite the charm with simple rationale, a few have taken a whole other turn.  A turn that just seems like the parent has given up such as a doctor's note stating the elf can't move for three days because he is sick or the elf can't move for two weeks due to a broken leg.

Now, I don't consider myself and elf on the shelf guru, especially when you consider that I never went down this tangled path of lies and deceit that may lead to paranoia about what is real and what is not  but I do believe these are simply ways for the adult in the household to still do the cool thing but with as little effort as possible.  Then it hit me - three days, two weeks?  LAME.  I know we can come up with better ideas than that!  So tonight I will share with you my starter list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions for parents who have simply given up.  Please note, these ideas may cause way, way more harm than just moving the elf like you are supposed to do so proceed with caution.  I take no responsibility/ownership/ liability/other legal terminology here for any results of these ideas

1.       Send a note from Santa that says the following, "Dear (insert kid's name here), We have had a huge increase in demand for toys this year due to the number of good boys and girls around the world.  While this is great news, it comes with consequences.  (insert elf's name here) will not be able to hang out at your house this season because (she or he) will be helping me to prepare for Christmas.  Rest assured, however, that I have provided your [ lazy] parent with instructions on how to report your behaviors to me.  Keep up the good work and gifts aplenty will be arriving for Christmas morning.  With love, Santa [Jolly St. Nick, Kris Kringle, whatever y'all call him in your part of the world]"

2.       This one is really fun - send a note from The Grinch stating that (elf's name) has been kidnapped!  The only way to have him or her return is to complete the following tasks without complaint! (Clean room, do laundry, wrap gifts, make dinner, vacuum, walk the dog, take out the trash - whatever extensive list of chores you need done that will take a while).  Once the kid stops crying, this should play right into your hands.

3.        Choose the least-favored, furthest distance in mileage relative you don't care for that is visiting for Thanksgiving and tell your kids that you saw (relative's name) pack (elf's name) in his/her bag before leaving Thanksgiving weekend.  She/he won't be back until next Thanksgiving but that won't matter because (I think) the magic will be gone and (elf's name) won't be able to fly home.  The benefit is that, while this will tragically effect your child, at least you won't have to have any more contact with that one relative you can't tolerate and the whole elf thing is behind us.

4.       The elf was stealing your credit card information and making fraudulent charges on your cards.  You only found out because she or he neglected to change the email address on one of the orders and it hit your inbox.  We don't even know who this elf is anymore!  Santa has offered (elf name) counseling but it isn't likely he or she will be invited back next year.

5.       The dog ate the elf (little bits of elf all around the room at your discretion).

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