Monday, March 20, 2017

Motivational Speeches

I love a good motivational speech.  You leave the room with a glow beaming from your insides.  You feel like you can conquer anything thrown at you.  A major project to complete in two days for your boss, no problem.  Projectile vomit from your son's tiny little body, exorcist style, no problem.  Repairing the hole in the side of your house that the neighbor's tree fell through, no problem.  Making a five course meal for your in-laws on a Tuesday, hell yeah!

But then that speech wears off and you realize you can barely conquer peeing in the toilet sitting down.  Stress takes over - too much to do and nowhere near enough time.  Why is this project your priority?  What kind of kid has that much vomit in that tiny little body?  Seriously, is he hollowing out his legs with this crap?  How many times did you tell that damn neighbor to trim that stupid ass huge tree?  I barely cook grilled cheese for dinner during the week, let alone a five course meal for people that I don't go to bed with.

So how can we find a happy balance between, "I own this world," and "The bed is the only safe place right now?"  The answer, my friend, is Moderational Speeches. (Sidebar: Can I trademark that phrase?  It's amazing!)  One might ask, "Moderational Speech?" or, "What is this Moderational Speech to which you are referencing?"  These are speeches that keep us level - not so high that people think we are on medications and not so low that people think we are on medications.  Seriously, though, who cares if we are on medications?  Medicines have their purpose but, I digress.

Let's go through the parts of a Moderational Speech as though you are the speaker, externally or internally.  If you are wondering why you are the speaker, the reason is that you, my friend, are the director of your life and personal dialogue.  By the end of both speeches, you will feel completely grounded but have a little extra kick in your step because you are that good at moderational balancing.
Speech to give to people
Internal speech dialogue
1.      Thank everyone for taking time out of their lives to come listen to you speak today.
1.      Take a moment to reflect on how awesome you are for taking the time out of your day to give yourself this speech.
2.      Let everyone know that you have lots of other things to do today so they should also thank you for being here to talk to them but don't be obnoxious about this.
2.  Continue to self reflect on all that you do     each day to share your awesomeness with the world, all without the incessant pestering for acknowledgement and accolades.
3.      Highlight things that make people feel motivated.  Sometimes, quoting songs can inspire people such as, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life."1
3.   Sing some of your favorite songs, in your head or  out loud.  One of our favorite songs is, "It's Hard to Be Humble," by Mac Davis.
4.      Continue with movie quotes, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."2
4.  Think about how cool a name like Mac Davis is and what your cool name should be. 

5.      Let people know that sometimes, everything is going to feel like it is going your way and, other times, it will feel like the floor is falling out from under you.
5.  Consider legally changing your name to this then realize you aren't really motivated enough to make that happen.
6.      The important thing to remember, in the most moderational inspiration you can muster, is that everything will be okay eventually.
6.  Finish up by remembering that even if all you did today was clean poop off of a wall (don't ask), it was done by a great person with moderational goals and that's good enough.

I'm not the best with citing sources but here's what I got:
1 The Facts of Life, Television Show, portion of lyrics from seasons 2 - 5.
2 From the movie, Forrest Gump.  Great movie, you should watch it.

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