Fun Moments in Travel: Intro & Episode 1

Introduction

One thing I love to do is travel. I enjoy going places outside of my normal routine and, depending on the location, I have been known to spend months making detailed plans from what time to leave the house to where we are going to have dinner on the last night.  I do this because it makes me happy.  For me, the time spent planning the trip is just as fun as the trip itself.  With that said, even with all the planning, unexpected things pop up that weren't expected.  This series of "Fun Moments in Travel" is meant to share with you, my readers, what has happened to us on our life travels in no particular order.

Fun Moments in Travel - Episode 1

Recently, we took a trip to our annual family reunion and stayed at an absolutely beautiful cottage built in the 1920s.  Located next to a state park in the woods, the setting was perfect to retreat to after going out for day trips and attending the family reunion.  The porches (yes, plural) invited us to sit outside and enjoy our surroundings.

The first night there, Ben and I settled down in our bedroom and sleep came easy in the comfortable bed.  In the early morning hours, I awoke with quite a start from a solid sleep to the sound of something flying back and forth in the room.  Ben was still asleep.  I woke him up with, "Ben, it's a bat!"  "It's not a bat," he said wearily.  "Ben, it's a bat."  He hopped out of bed, turned on the light and exclaimed, "Oh my God!  It's a bat!"

I said, "I told you it was a bat," then I proceeded to giggle uncontrollably while pulling the covers over me with only my eyes peeping out when the bat flew by.  Ben pulled the quilt off the bed and attempted to capture the bat in the quilt.  I continued to giggle hysterically.

How no one else in the house woke up while this was going on continues to be a mystery because we were certainly not quiet while this was happening. Ben told me to leave the room so he could work on catching the bat without my incessant giggling under the covers.  I complied and ran out the door as the bat was flying in the opposite direction.  A few minutes later, Ben walked down the stairs with a pillowcase in hand, with a bat in it.  We went to the back porch and released the bat.  Since we were both wide awake at 3:00 or 3:30 in the morning, we decided it was a perfect time for coffee.

The room we were sleeping in had a door leading to the attic and there was a small gap at the bottom of the door.  Ben deduced that this is where the bat came from and stuffed a towel under the door.  We had no more bat shows the rest of the stay.

Fitness: Let's do it!

Growing up, I wouldn't have described myself as athletic or physically active.  Considering that I took classes in ballet, tap and jazz and played softball growing up, you'd think I'd look back on that and think, "Dang, I was all kinds of athlete," instead, I think about how I did like ballet, tap and jazz but I don't think I was any good at it and what I remember most about softball was wearing jeans in the summer, literally picking dandelions in the outfield and wondering why I was there.

In high school, I was on the flag corps through the years (which I loved) and played field hockey for one season (which I hated).  I specifically remember the conversation with my mom about field hockey.  She agreed to buy all the necessary items required for it (also known as crap) so long as I hung in for the season to which I eagerly agreed.  Day one of practice, I realized my fault in this plan: the coaches didn't cut kids on JV no matter how much we (I) sucked.  Field hockey involved running - a lot of running, five days a week, in the heat.  When I look back on that season, I remember the following (ironically, none of them have to do with the game itself):

1.      The bitch that ran past me as I was giving it my all and said as often as possible, "Real hockey players sweat"

2.      The restraint used every time to NOT hit her with my field hockey stick while I was running

3.      I lost nine pounds that year the hard way because I ate and ate and ate that season and, let me tell you, it wasn't fruits and veggies

4.       My mom made me get on a scale to see how much I weighed because, even though she saw me eat basically nonstop when I wasn't sleeping, she thought I was anorexic

5.      I still thought I was fat

Moving on to college, there was the standard walk 5 - 10 miles a day to get to and from classes and work and the occasional tennis matches with my boyfriend (now known as my husband) to keep me going but I still didn't think of myself as physically fit or even active.

Fast forward and there we have marriage, a baby, moving (what felt like a lot) and working.  At the college where I worked, they had a fitness check we could do, if desired, so I went on over to check it out.  When I was on the treadmill, the girl asked me what brought me there.  I told her I had a baby and it was time to get back into shape.  "Aww," she said, "How old is your baby?"  I replied, "Seven years old."  It was hilarious to me but she didn't get the joke (to be fair, she was probably 18 or 19 years old with no thought of kids in the near future).  She said my heart wasn't as in shape as it should be and that I needed to be more active.  I totally agreed with her then probably went out to grab a milkshake, cheeseburger and fries for lunch.

Over the past five years, I've tried off and on to "get into shape."  There are things I like to do, like swimming, roller skating, walking, bowling and dancing, but there is nothing that I love to do or that I look forward to doing on a daily/regular basis.  I don't like to sweat and I sometimes spend more time than I should worrying about what people think of me if I do this or that.  This has held me back longer than it should have.

I made a new year's resolution to try at least twelve new things this year (sneak peak: I'm on number 14 right now; that blog will come at the end of the year).  These "things" could be anything, as long as it is new.  I don't "do" new year resolutions and I am one who likes to stay in the lines so this goal is quite a big deal for me.  I thought this resolution would help me to be less anxious with new experiences but I'm actually learning a lot more than that.

I've grown into the mindset that I do like to do physically active things that I don't have to be great at (or even good at); I am more interested in experiencing what I am doing than worrying about what people around me think or say about me (honestly, they are usually more worried about themselves than anyone else around them); my body is amazing.  I say I'm going to climb this rock wall and my body does it.  I say I'm going to participate in this stick work class and my body maneuvers like the novice lover of stick work should.  I'm learning to love my body for what it is and that is something I've apparently been working on my whole life.

Fitness is an important part of every life and for those out there that run your marathons, surf for hours on end, flip end over end from the diving board or whatever else it is that tickles your fancy, I give mad props and know I have no intentions to be at that level.  The difference now is that I simply don't want to be there, not that I can't be there.

When You've Gotta Go . . .

I don't make it a habit to discuss my bathroom visits but on a recent vacation, I ended up in the men's restroom not once but twice.  Now, in case you aren't aware, I'm a female married to a man and we have one child.  My normal bathroom usage is the ladies' restroom.  So how does one end up in the men's restroom not once but twice?  Well, there's always a story to that.

Let me take you on a five hour ride with two kids in the back seat about one hour in when you hear those words every parent dreads, "I need to go to the bathroom."  Of course, we aren't scheduled for a stop and, sad to say, we are in an area we don't hit regularly so we have no idea where to find a bathroom.  Google Maps on the smart phone to the rescue and 15 minutes later, we find a store and immediately look for the bathroom.  By this time, I have to go, too.  That coffee went through quick and the stress of locating a restroom shrunk my bladder even more.  Once in the store, we do a COMPLETE walk around looking for the bathroom.  We can't find it so then we look for an associate and get the instructions.  It's through a secret, unmarked doorway that the pharmacist has to unlock to gain access.  Once behind this door, realization hits - there is a single toilet ladies room and a single toilet men's room.  Both are vacant.  I, being the adult in this situation, allow the other girls (2 of them, one mine, one a family friend) priority access even though my animal instinct is to shove them out of the way with a quick, "Suck it up cupcakes," as I go in and lock the door.  The first one goes in.  I stand, I wait.  I look at the men's room.  I look at girl number two. She looks at me.  I look at the men's room again.  I ask her if she really needs to go.  She says no.  I ask her if she wants to use the men's room and I will stand guard. She says no.  Then, it happens.  I can't hold it anymore and I got into the filthy men's room, lock the door and pee for a good solid two minutes.  There's a knock on the door.  It's not the girls.  It's a man.  Damn it!  I tell him in my normal voice, "I'll be right out."  I open the door and there's a rather burly man there.  My head hangs low, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to keep you waiting.  I had to go so bad."  He says, "No problem," and heads into the bathroom.  The girls see this interaction but make no comments.  It has never been spoken amongst us since.

A day or two later, we are at a park still on vacation.  It's warm and humid and we are walking around the place, checking out the nature trails.  We circle back to the water and the girls go swimming.  The Dads stick around the beach to watch the girls and I go with the other Mom to check out the gift shop. 

Sidebar: I've been to this place on vacation once a year for at least 10 years and have not once hit this gift shop.  So I have no knowledge of what I am walking into nor am I a shopping fiend.

We go in, buy some items and look around the visitor center.  There's some relics and photos from when the place was a functioning furnace.  While looking at these cool items, my eyes start to burn - the sun block and sweat have gotten into my eyes and I can't see anything.  I need to go to a bathroom and wash off my face.  I make out a blurry sign that says restrooms and head in and take a right.  I open the door to the bathroom and notice a urinal.  I think, "How nice, a family restroom," and head on in to the sink.  When I wash my face off and head back out, I notice the other Mom is no longer there.  I go back to looking at the history of the place we are visiting, thinking maybe she went back to the gift shop when she comes over to me.  She asks where I went because she went to the bathroom and I wasn't there.  I told her I went to the bathroom and walked her over to the bathroom I used.  The sign next to the door does not say family restroom.  It says men's room.

I have to fess up and tell other Mom about the bathroom incident from a few days before.  She laughs, I laugh.  How embarrassing!  Thankfully, no one was in the men's room when I walked in there and no one came in while I was in there and, fortunately, I haven't had any additional restroom errors since this vacation.

For the Drivers that Text/Talk on the Phone While Driving: Tips for Improvement*

In my daily commute, I have noticed multiple acts of idiocy - people texting/talking on their phones while driving.  How do I notice these people?  Well, for one, I just drive when I am driving.  My phone is nowhere to be found because I am driving a vehicle that can kill myself or others if not operated properly.  I also notice when people pass me doing 70+ MPH (the road I commute on is 55 MPH for anyone reading this in an area outside of Sussex County, Delaware) only to slow down to below the speed limit moments later while I am rocking my cruise control.  Another giveaway is when the person is swerving here and there - one lane, the shoulder, the middle - wherever they seem to think is fit while they read or write while driving.  Another fun bonus is when the person behind me is so incredibly close to my bumper, they may as well have just hitched a ride with me then they fall way far back to irritate other people behind them.

I've decided that I'm over this cell phone usage thing.  We are Americans, are we not?  We can surely come up with WAY better things to do while driving than simply text/talk on the phone.  Here are some ideas:

1.      Portable coffee/espresso maker, complete with steamer.  Not only can you have THE freshest coffee while driving but you can impress your friends with your barista skills when you carpool!

2.      Portable urinal.  Let's be honest, if you are going to have coffee while driving, eventually you are going to need to relieve yourself.  Why not learn how to urinate in a portable urinal WHILE driving?

3.      Straight razor shaving.  Electric shaving while driving is so 1980s.  Let's really get retro and bring back straight razors!  One word of caution: this type of self-care requires mad driving skills because of those rumble strips on the side.  It's like shaving EXTREME!

4.      Ladies, let's not leave you out on the shaving.  How about getting those legs taken care of?  So many women cruise with their legs on the dash heading to the beach - let's get those suckers super smooth on the way there!  Of course, only one leg at a time on this - you need to be able to hit the brake for those traffic jams.

5.      For those of you who just need something to do with your hands (no, pervert - keep it clean), how about an etch-a-sketch challenge?  Sure, you need to use BOTH hands for this but who really needs to keep hands on the steering wheel?  Getting bored with a typical etch-a-sketch commute?  Make it EXTREME - you have 15 seconds. Draw the Eiffel Tower.  Go!

6.      Interior table tennis.  Sure, table tennis is awesome in itself but let's take it to the next level and really learn how to use that rearview mirror for what it was intended.

7.      Ladies have been applying makeup and styling their hair behind the wheel for decades.  Let's turn this up and master spray tanning while in motion.  We've got this!

8.      Let's make lunch! Bonus: If you happen to flip your car multiple times, you've literally made a tossed salad!  Deduction: You wrecked your car.

9.      We've all heard of Paint Nite.  How about Car Paint?  How many Rembrandts, Picassos, or Bob Ross' (happy trees) can you make?  Keep your work wall art fresh!

10.  So, you've done all of these already and survived?  Fair enough.  How about blindfolded driving?  Use your other senses to determine when the light is red, where the lines of the road are located and what animal you just hit because you are in the woods, genius, or are you? Maybe that was a COW.

*NOTE: All suggestions are obviously sarcastic and should not in any way be attempted.  If they seem ridiculous, it's because they are just like texting/talking on the phone while driving.  Knock it off and focus on the task at hand!

New Year - New Resolution: What the Hell? or What the Hell!

I have turned into a routine person.  It seems strange for me to admit to this because I have thought of myself as the opposite for most of my life.  I can't say for sure when routine became my thing as I can only seem to recognize this when I am experiencing non-routine situations and fall into a sense of confusion, similar to the "What the hell?" movement as opposed to the, "What the hell!" movement.

I hate resolutions for the new year.  People set up these outlandish goals, like to exercise and eat right.  Honey, if you haven't been doing that before 1/1, chances are it ain't happenin' after 1/10.  So, with that in mind, I have resolved to make a resolution to the best of my current state.  I was originally thinking that I would do or try something new at least once a week but I quickly realized that my out for that would be to try new foods and would likely end up being 48 new flavors of ice cream and 4 new potato chip flavors or some other item, like different types of chocolate.  I also realized that doing or trying involves a break from the routine and while I think I can do that periodically, once a week would immediately throw me into that category of outlandish goal setter.   For this year, I will be breaking the routine and setting a resolution that may be achievable.  To do or try something new at least once a month.  I think I can find 12 new things that won't send me spinning into, "What the hell?" but might possibly lead to a resolution for the following year to join the "What the hell!" movement.  I'm also making a personal promise that these new things will only be food related for up to 3 of the 12.  Recommendations?  Suggestions?  Share in the comments!

Elf on the Shelf: Tips for Parents Who Have Simply Given Up

I have seen a few suggestions this season about what to do if your elf doesn't move.  While most of them are quite the charm with simple rationale, a few have taken a whole other turn.  A turn that just seems like the parent has given up such as a doctor's note stating the elf can't move for three days because he is sick or the elf can't move for two weeks due to a broken leg.

Now, I don't consider myself and elf on the shelf guru, especially when you consider that I never went down this tangled path of lies and deceit that may lead to paranoia about what is real and what is not  but I do believe these are simply ways for the adult in the household to still do the cool thing but with as little effort as possible.  Then it hit me - three days, two weeks?  LAME.  I know we can come up with better ideas than that!  So tonight I will share with you my starter list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions for parents who have simply given up.  Please note, these ideas may cause way, way more harm than just moving the elf like you are supposed to do so proceed with caution.  I take no responsibility/ownership/ liability/other legal terminology here for any results of these ideas

1.       Send a note from Santa that says the following, "Dear (insert kid's name here), We have had a huge increase in demand for toys this year due to the number of good boys and girls around the world.  While this is great news, it comes with consequences.  (insert elf's name here) will not be able to hang out at your house this season because (she or he) will be helping me to prepare for Christmas.  Rest assured, however, that I have provided your [ lazy] parent with instructions on how to report your behaviors to me.  Keep up the good work and gifts aplenty will be arriving for Christmas morning.  With love, Santa [Jolly St. Nick, Kris Kringle, whatever y'all call him in your part of the world]"

2.       This one is really fun - send a note from The Grinch stating that (elf's name) has been kidnapped!  The only way to have him or her return is to complete the following tasks without complaint! (Clean room, do laundry, wrap gifts, make dinner, vacuum, walk the dog, take out the trash - whatever extensive list of chores you need done that will take a while).  Once the kid stops crying, this should play right into your hands.

3.        Choose the least-favored, furthest distance in mileage relative you don't care for that is visiting for Thanksgiving and tell your kids that you saw (relative's name) pack (elf's name) in his/her bag before leaving Thanksgiving weekend.  She/he won't be back until next Thanksgiving but that won't matter because (I think) the magic will be gone and (elf's name) won't be able to fly home.  The benefit is that, while this will tragically effect your child, at least you won't have to have any more contact with that one relative you can't tolerate and the whole elf thing is behind us.

4.       The elf was stealing your credit card information and making fraudulent charges on your cards.  You only found out because she or he neglected to change the email address on one of the orders and it hit your inbox.  We don't even know who this elf is anymore!  Santa has offered (elf name) counseling but it isn't likely he or she will be invited back next year.

5.       The dog ate the elf (little bits of elf all around the room at your discretion).

How to thwart a break-in if you are home

If you haven't picked up on this yet, I have a smartcastic type of humor. So, I was thinking today about how to hold off an attacker or robber that comes into the house (I don’t know why, I’m just weird like that).

My thoughts turned into things to say if someone breaks in:
1 – Well, it’s about damn time you got here, this laundry and vacuuming isn’t going to do itself!
2 – Really? You broke my door! What’s up with that? I mean, sure, steal whatever but breaking my door is too much. Do you have cash on you because I sure as hell don’t have money to pay for that!
3 – Dude, you got the wrong house! Didn’t Louie give you the address? Oh, you don’t know Louie? Well, that explains it. See, you were supposed to go down Rehoboth Blvd, turn towards Abbotts – oh, have you been there? They have the most amazing mac & cheese – anyway, yea, go down about two or three blocks and check out the building on the left – that is the place you want – they have the best stuff there (note: provide directions to your local police station).
4 – Oh, hey, my phone is on the charger, can I use yours? I need to make a really important call. It’s private though, so I need you to step back outside. Do you have unlimited text? Just kidding, I’ll only be on for a few minutes. Thanks.
5 – Where’s the freakin’ pizza? Oh, you aren’t the pizza guy? Well, I expect him to be here any minute now. Can you leave – he gets mad when I order from competitors. Broke my door last week!


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