When You've Gotta Go . . .

I don't make it a habit to discuss my bathroom visits but on a recent vacation, I ended up in the men's restroom not once but twice.  Now, in case you aren't aware, I'm a female married to a man and we have one child.  My normal bathroom usage is the ladies' restroom.  So how does one end up in the men's restroom not once but twice?  Well, there's always a story to that.

Let me take you on a five hour ride with two kids in the back seat about one hour in when you hear those words every parent dreads, "I need to go to the bathroom."  Of course, we aren't scheduled for a stop and, sad to say, we are in an area we don't hit regularly so we have no idea where to find a bathroom.  Google Maps on the smart phone to the rescue and 15 minutes later, we find a store and immediately look for the bathroom.  By this time, I have to go, too.  That coffee went through quick and the stress of locating a restroom shrunk my bladder even more.  Once in the store, we do a COMPLETE walk around looking for the bathroom.  We can't find it so then we look for an associate and get the instructions.  It's through a secret, unmarked doorway that the pharmacist has to unlock to gain access.  Once behind this door, realization hits - there is a single toilet ladies room and a single toilet men's room.  Both are vacant.  I, being the adult in this situation, allow the other girls (2 of them, one mine, one a family friend) priority access even though my animal instinct is to shove them out of the way with a quick, "Suck it up cupcakes," as I go in and lock the door.  The first one goes in.  I stand, I wait.  I look at the men's room.  I look at girl number two. She looks at me.  I look at the men's room again.  I ask her if she really needs to go.  She says no.  I ask her if she wants to use the men's room and I will stand guard. She says no.  Then, it happens.  I can't hold it anymore and I got into the filthy men's room, lock the door and pee for a good solid two minutes.  There's a knock on the door.  It's not the girls.  It's a man.  Damn it!  I tell him in my normal voice, "I'll be right out."  I open the door and there's a rather burly man there.  My head hangs low, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to keep you waiting.  I had to go so bad."  He says, "No problem," and heads into the bathroom.  The girls see this interaction but make no comments.  It has never been spoken amongst us since.

A day or two later, we are at a park still on vacation.  It's warm and humid and we are walking around the place, checking out the nature trails.  We circle back to the water and the girls go swimming.  The Dads stick around the beach to watch the girls and I go with the other Mom to check out the gift shop. 

Sidebar: I've been to this place on vacation once a year for at least 10 years and have not once hit this gift shop.  So I have no knowledge of what I am walking into nor am I a shopping fiend.

We go in, buy some items and look around the visitor center.  There's some relics and photos from when the place was a functioning furnace.  While looking at these cool items, my eyes start to burn - the sun block and sweat have gotten into my eyes and I can't see anything.  I need to go to a bathroom and wash off my face.  I make out a blurry sign that says restrooms and head in and take a right.  I open the door to the bathroom and notice a urinal.  I think, "How nice, a family restroom," and head on in to the sink.  When I wash my face off and head back out, I notice the other Mom is no longer there.  I go back to looking at the history of the place we are visiting, thinking maybe she went back to the gift shop when she comes over to me.  She asks where I went because she went to the bathroom and I wasn't there.  I told her I went to the bathroom and walked her over to the bathroom I used.  The sign next to the door does not say family restroom.  It says men's room.

I have to fess up and tell other Mom about the bathroom incident from a few days before.  She laughs, I laugh.  How embarrassing!  Thankfully, no one was in the men's room when I walked in there and no one came in while I was in there and, fortunately, I haven't had any additional restroom errors since this vacation.

For the Drivers that Text/Talk on the Phone While Driving: Tips for Improvement*

In my daily commute, I have noticed multiple acts of idiocy - people texting/talking on their phones while driving.  How do I notice these people?  Well, for one, I just drive when I am driving.  My phone is nowhere to be found because I am driving a vehicle that can kill myself or others if not operated properly.  I also notice when people pass me doing 70+ MPH (the road I commute on is 55 MPH for anyone reading this in an area outside of Sussex County, Delaware) only to slow down to below the speed limit moments later while I am rocking my cruise control.  Another giveaway is when the person is swerving here and there - one lane, the shoulder, the middle - wherever they seem to think is fit while they read or write while driving.  Another fun bonus is when the person behind me is so incredibly close to my bumper, they may as well have just hitched a ride with me then they fall way far back to irritate other people behind them.

I've decided that I'm over this cell phone usage thing.  We are Americans, are we not?  We can surely come up with WAY better things to do while driving than simply text/talk on the phone.  Here are some ideas:

1.      Portable coffee/espresso maker, complete with steamer.  Not only can you have THE freshest coffee while driving but you can impress your friends with your barista skills when you carpool!

2.      Portable urinal.  Let's be honest, if you are going to have coffee while driving, eventually you are going to need to relieve yourself.  Why not learn how to urinate in a portable urinal WHILE driving?

3.      Straight razor shaving.  Electric shaving while driving is so 1980s.  Let's really get retro and bring back straight razors!  One word of caution: this type of self-care requires mad driving skills because of those rumble strips on the side.  It's like shaving EXTREME!

4.      Ladies, let's not leave you out on the shaving.  How about getting those legs taken care of?  So many women cruise with their legs on the dash heading to the beach - let's get those suckers super smooth on the way there!  Of course, only one leg at a time on this - you need to be able to hit the brake for those traffic jams.

5.      For those of you who just need something to do with your hands (no, pervert - keep it clean), how about an etch-a-sketch challenge?  Sure, you need to use BOTH hands for this but who really needs to keep hands on the steering wheel?  Getting bored with a typical etch-a-sketch commute?  Make it EXTREME - you have 15 seconds. Draw the Eiffel Tower.  Go!

6.      Interior table tennis.  Sure, table tennis is awesome in itself but let's take it to the next level and really learn how to use that rearview mirror for what it was intended.

7.      Ladies have been applying makeup and styling their hair behind the wheel for decades.  Let's turn this up and master spray tanning while in motion.  We've got this!

8.      Let's make lunch! Bonus: If you happen to flip your car multiple times, you've literally made a tossed salad!  Deduction: You wrecked your car.

9.      We've all heard of Paint Nite.  How about Car Paint?  How many Rembrandts, Picassos, or Bob Ross' (happy trees) can you make?  Keep your work wall art fresh!

10.  So, you've done all of these already and survived?  Fair enough.  How about blindfolded driving?  Use your other senses to determine when the light is red, where the lines of the road are located and what animal you just hit because you are in the woods, genius, or are you? Maybe that was a COW.

*NOTE: All suggestions are obviously sarcastic and should not in any way be attempted.  If they seem ridiculous, it's because they are just like texting/talking on the phone while driving.  Knock it off and focus on the task at hand!

New Year - New Resolution: What the Hell? or What the Hell!

I have turned into a routine person.  It seems strange for me to admit to this because I have thought of myself as the opposite for most of my life.  I can't say for sure when routine became my thing as I can only seem to recognize this when I am experiencing non-routine situations and fall into a sense of confusion, similar to the "What the hell?" movement as opposed to the, "What the hell!" movement.

I hate resolutions for the new year.  People set up these outlandish goals, like to exercise and eat right.  Honey, if you haven't been doing that before 1/1, chances are it ain't happenin' after 1/10.  So, with that in mind, I have resolved to make a resolution to the best of my current state.  I was originally thinking that I would do or try something new at least once a week but I quickly realized that my out for that would be to try new foods and would likely end up being 48 new flavors of ice cream and 4 new potato chip flavors or some other item, like different types of chocolate.  I also realized that doing or trying involves a break from the routine and while I think I can do that periodically, once a week would immediately throw me into that category of outlandish goal setter.   For this year, I will be breaking the routine and setting a resolution that may be achievable.  To do or try something new at least once a month.  I think I can find 12 new things that won't send me spinning into, "What the hell?" but might possibly lead to a resolution for the following year to join the "What the hell!" movement.  I'm also making a personal promise that these new things will only be food related for up to 3 of the 12.  Recommendations?  Suggestions?  Share in the comments!

Elf on the Shelf: Tips for Parents Who Have Simply Given Up

I have seen a few suggestions this season about what to do if your elf doesn't move.  While most of them are quite the charm with simple rationale, a few have taken a whole other turn.  A turn that just seems like the parent has given up such as a doctor's note stating the elf can't move for three days because he is sick or the elf can't move for two weeks due to a broken leg.

Now, I don't consider myself and elf on the shelf guru, especially when you consider that I never went down this tangled path of lies and deceit that may lead to paranoia about what is real and what is not  but I do believe these are simply ways for the adult in the household to still do the cool thing but with as little effort as possible.  Then it hit me - three days, two weeks?  LAME.  I know we can come up with better ideas than that!  So tonight I will share with you my starter list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions for parents who have simply given up.  Please note, these ideas may cause way, way more harm than just moving the elf like you are supposed to do so proceed with caution.  I take no responsibility/ownership/ liability/other legal terminology here for any results of these ideas

1.       Send a note from Santa that says the following, "Dear (insert kid's name here), We have had a huge increase in demand for toys this year due to the number of good boys and girls around the world.  While this is great news, it comes with consequences.  (insert elf's name here) will not be able to hang out at your house this season because (she or he) will be helping me to prepare for Christmas.  Rest assured, however, that I have provided your [ lazy] parent with instructions on how to report your behaviors to me.  Keep up the good work and gifts aplenty will be arriving for Christmas morning.  With love, Santa [Jolly St. Nick, Kris Kringle, whatever y'all call him in your part of the world]"

2.       This one is really fun - send a note from The Grinch stating that (elf's name) has been kidnapped!  The only way to have him or her return is to complete the following tasks without complaint! (Clean room, do laundry, wrap gifts, make dinner, vacuum, walk the dog, take out the trash - whatever extensive list of chores you need done that will take a while).  Once the kid stops crying, this should play right into your hands.

3.        Choose the least-favored, furthest distance in mileage relative you don't care for that is visiting for Thanksgiving and tell your kids that you saw (relative's name) pack (elf's name) in his/her bag before leaving Thanksgiving weekend.  She/he won't be back until next Thanksgiving but that won't matter because (I think) the magic will be gone and (elf's name) won't be able to fly home.  The benefit is that, while this will tragically effect your child, at least you won't have to have any more contact with that one relative you can't tolerate and the whole elf thing is behind us.

4.       The elf was stealing your credit card information and making fraudulent charges on your cards.  You only found out because she or he neglected to change the email address on one of the orders and it hit your inbox.  We don't even know who this elf is anymore!  Santa has offered (elf name) counseling but it isn't likely he or she will be invited back next year.

5.       The dog ate the elf (little bits of elf all around the room at your discretion).

How to thwart a break-in if you are home

If you haven't picked up on this yet, I have a smartcastic type of humor. So, I was thinking today about how to hold off an attacker or robber that comes into the house (I don’t know why, I’m just weird like that).

My thoughts turned into things to say if someone breaks in:
1 – Well, it’s about damn time you got here, this laundry and vacuuming isn’t going to do itself!
2 – Really? You broke my door! What’s up with that? I mean, sure, steal whatever but breaking my door is too much. Do you have cash on you because I sure as hell don’t have money to pay for that!
3 – Dude, you got the wrong house! Didn’t Louie give you the address? Oh, you don’t know Louie? Well, that explains it. See, you were supposed to go down Rehoboth Blvd, turn towards Abbotts – oh, have you been there? They have the most amazing mac & cheese – anyway, yea, go down about two or three blocks and check out the building on the left – that is the place you want – they have the best stuff there (note: provide directions to your local police station).
4 – Oh, hey, my phone is on the charger, can I use yours? I need to make a really important call. It’s private though, so I need you to step back outside. Do you have unlimited text? Just kidding, I’ll only be on for a few minutes. Thanks.
5 – Where’s the freakin’ pizza? Oh, you aren’t the pizza guy? Well, I expect him to be here any minute now. Can you leave – he gets mad when I order from competitors. Broke my door last week!


Do you have any to add? Share!

Oh how I cry for Argentina!

I went on a brief solo trip in my car today and brought along some songs from here and there. One song I added to my playlist was one I haven't listened to for years - Don't Cry for Me Argentina by Madonna from the movie Evita. As I was listening to the song, I immediately thought of my friend, Tim, who is no longer in this world. I could see him singing it on the staircase in his parent's house as though I just heard him yesterday - with all of those exaggerated facial expressions that only he had.


I reflected on the time we got into a car accident. We were driving back to his house after going to a friend's house - and the friend was in front of us in her car. He decided that he was going to try to pass her on a back road just because. He got next to her, then lost control of the car when he went off the left side of the road and hit loose gravel. The car hit a mailbox then flipped end over end from one driveway to the next one landing on the tires almost facing the opposite direction of where we were heading. He looked at me and said he was sorry and asked if I was okay, to which I replied yes. We repeated the same question and answer three times then the engine started making a noise. Tim yelled, "Get out of the car," but my door was stuck shut. A man from the house whose driveway we landed on came out and pulled the door open then walked us into his house. His wife was on the phone with 911. I remember sitting on their couch. We happened to land on the driveway that belonged to one of our classmates who drove the same car - they thought it was their daughter! The car was totaled. My glasses were broken. I had bruises on my knees for a few weeks. I had just turned 18 so I could refuse medical service. I had to call my mom to pick me up and I was hoping she'd get there AFTER the car was gone but she pulled up just as soon as they had it on the flatbed - and she saw the damage. She looked surprised that both of us were uninjured.


Every few hours my mom woke me up to be sure I didn't have a concussion. When I got up the next morning, I called Tim. I asked him if he was barefoot when we had the accident. He said yes. He had walked around all the glass barefoot and also sat in a police car and no one noticed he was barefoot. I asked him how he was able to do that - and he told me that he had spent years walking on clamshells in his driveway!


A few years later, I lost a boyfriend who didn't make it home from my house - he had a car accident. I was in a blur then and while I spent time amongst friends, Tim was the one who got me through it.




I am fortunate to have the memories I have with Tim - there are so many. I am thankful that when I think of him, it is with happiness and joy - which is what he brought to all who knew him. I am sad that his life was cut short; believe me, he had so much more to give but I rejoice in the fact that I will see him on the other side - singing and barefoot with that sparkle in his eyes.

The Shoulds

From time to time, I suffer from a condition called, "The Shoulds."  It's a very common condition that can come about daily, weekly or even seasonally (gasp).  The good news is, once I take the time to reflect on the effects, I can shake it off before it becomes a more severe condition, sometimes referred to as the, "Debbie Downer," or the, "I'll Never be (fill in the blank here)," or, when experiencing extreme symptoms, the, "No One Wants to be Around Me, Including Me Syndrome."

Examples of "The Shoulds" include:

·         I should be exercising

·         I should be sleeping

·         I should be cleaning

·         I should drive faster

·         I should drive slower

·         I should be making my Christmas gifts right now

·         I should stay late at work to finish this

·         I should be more patient

·         I should be doing something more productive than typing this

Some people experience "The Should Nots" instead of (or in addition to) "The Shoulds."  

Examples of the "Should Nots" include:

·         I shouldn't be eating this

·         I shouldn't be buying this

·         I shouldn't take a nap

·         I shouldn't be wasting my time playing this game

·         I shouldn't care about this

·         I shouldn't do this

The best way I have found to deal with "The Shoulds" and "The Should Nots" is to have an attitude adjustment that consciously points out that I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  Doing or not doing something isn't going to change that; I don't need the self-inflicted guilt to slap my ego's face.

Goodness knows there is more than enough negativity surrounding us and the last thing we need to do to ourselves is self- inflict more negativity.  Sometimes I think if more people join the I AM GOOD ENOUGH movement, we will have a lot less negativity.  Who's with me?