New Year - New Resolution: What the Hell? or What the Hell!

I have turned into a routine person.  It seems strange for me to admit to this because I have thought of myself as the opposite for most of my life.  I can't say for sure when routine became my thing as I can only seem to recognize this when I am experiencing non-routine situations and fall into a sense of confusion, similar to the "What the hell?" movement as opposed to the, "What the hell!" movement.

I hate resolutions for the new year.  People set up these outlandish goals, like to exercise and eat right.  Honey, if you haven't been doing that before 1/1, chances are it ain't happenin' after 1/10.  So, with that in mind, I have resolved to make a resolution to the best of my current state.  I was originally thinking that I would do or try something new at least once a week but I quickly realized that my out for that would be to try new foods and would likely end up being 48 new flavors of ice cream and 4 new potato chip flavors or some other item, like different types of chocolate.  I also realized that doing or trying involves a break from the routine and while I think I can do that periodically, once a week would immediately throw me into that category of outlandish goal setter.   For this year, I will be breaking the routine and setting a resolution that may be achievable.  To do or try something new at least once a month.  I think I can find 12 new things that won't send me spinning into, "What the hell?" but might possibly lead to a resolution for the following year to join the "What the hell!" movement.  I'm also making a personal promise that these new things will only be food related for up to 3 of the 12.  Recommendations?  Suggestions?  Share in the comments!

Elf on the Shelf: Tips for Parents Who Have Simply Given Up

I have seen a few suggestions this season about what to do if your elf doesn't move.  While most of them are quite the charm with simple rationale, a few have taken a whole other turn.  A turn that just seems like the parent has given up such as a doctor's note stating the elf can't move for three days because he is sick or the elf can't move for two weeks due to a broken leg.

Now, I don't consider myself and elf on the shelf guru, especially when you consider that I never went down this tangled path of lies and deceit that may lead to paranoia about what is real and what is not  but I do believe these are simply ways for the adult in the household to still do the cool thing but with as little effort as possible.  Then it hit me - three days, two weeks?  LAME.  I know we can come up with better ideas than that!  So tonight I will share with you my starter list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions for parents who have simply given up.  Please note, these ideas may cause way, way more harm than just moving the elf like you are supposed to do so proceed with caution.  I take no responsibility/ownership/ liability/other legal terminology here for any results of these ideas

1.       Send a note from Santa that says the following, "Dear (insert kid's name here), We have had a huge increase in demand for toys this year due to the number of good boys and girls around the world.  While this is great news, it comes with consequences.  (insert elf's name here) will not be able to hang out at your house this season because (she or he) will be helping me to prepare for Christmas.  Rest assured, however, that I have provided your [ lazy] parent with instructions on how to report your behaviors to me.  Keep up the good work and gifts aplenty will be arriving for Christmas morning.  With love, Santa [Jolly St. Nick, Kris Kringle, whatever y'all call him in your part of the world]"

2.       This one is really fun - send a note from The Grinch stating that (elf's name) has been kidnapped!  The only way to have him or her return is to complete the following tasks without complaint! (Clean room, do laundry, wrap gifts, make dinner, vacuum, walk the dog, take out the trash - whatever extensive list of chores you need done that will take a while).  Once the kid stops crying, this should play right into your hands.

3.        Choose the least-favored, furthest distance in mileage relative you don't care for that is visiting for Thanksgiving and tell your kids that you saw (relative's name) pack (elf's name) in his/her bag before leaving Thanksgiving weekend.  She/he won't be back until next Thanksgiving but that won't matter because (I think) the magic will be gone and (elf's name) won't be able to fly home.  The benefit is that, while this will tragically effect your child, at least you won't have to have any more contact with that one relative you can't tolerate and the whole elf thing is behind us.

4.       The elf was stealing your credit card information and making fraudulent charges on your cards.  You only found out because she or he neglected to change the email address on one of the orders and it hit your inbox.  We don't even know who this elf is anymore!  Santa has offered (elf name) counseling but it isn't likely he or she will be invited back next year.

5.       The dog ate the elf (little bits of elf all around the room at your discretion).

How to thwart a break-in if you are home

If you haven't picked up on this yet, I have a smartcastic type of humor. So, I was thinking today about how to hold off an attacker or robber that comes into the house (I don’t know why, I’m just weird like that).

My thoughts turned into things to say if someone breaks in:
1 – Well, it’s about damn time you got here, this laundry and vacuuming isn’t going to do itself!
2 – Really? You broke my door! What’s up with that? I mean, sure, steal whatever but breaking my door is too much. Do you have cash on you because I sure as hell don’t have money to pay for that!
3 – Dude, you got the wrong house! Didn’t Louie give you the address? Oh, you don’t know Louie? Well, that explains it. See, you were supposed to go down Rehoboth Blvd, turn towards Abbotts – oh, have you been there? They have the most amazing mac & cheese – anyway, yea, go down about two or three blocks and check out the building on the left – that is the place you want – they have the best stuff there (note: provide directions to your local police station).
4 – Oh, hey, my phone is on the charger, can I use yours? I need to make a really important call. It’s private though, so I need you to step back outside. Do you have unlimited text? Just kidding, I’ll only be on for a few minutes. Thanks.
5 – Where’s the freakin’ pizza? Oh, you aren’t the pizza guy? Well, I expect him to be here any minute now. Can you leave – he gets mad when I order from competitors. Broke my door last week!


Do you have any to add? Share!

Oh how I cry for Argentina!

I went on a brief solo trip in my car today and brought along some songs from here and there. One song I added to my playlist was one I haven't listened to for years - Don't Cry for Me Argentina by Madonna from the movie Evita. As I was listening to the song, I immediately thought of my friend, Tim, who is no longer in this world. I could see him singing it on the staircase in his parent's house as though I just heard him yesterday - with all of those exaggerated facial expressions that only he had.


I reflected on the time we got into a car accident. We were driving back to his house after going to a friend's house - and the friend was in front of us in her car. He decided that he was going to try to pass her on a back road just because. He got next to her, then lost control of the car when he went off the left side of the road and hit loose gravel. The car hit a mailbox then flipped end over end from one driveway to the next one landing on the tires almost facing the opposite direction of where we were heading. He looked at me and said he was sorry and asked if I was okay, to which I replied yes. We repeated the same question and answer three times then the engine started making a noise. Tim yelled, "Get out of the car," but my door was stuck shut. A man from the house whose driveway we landed on came out and pulled the door open then walked us into his house. His wife was on the phone with 911. I remember sitting on their couch. We happened to land on the driveway that belonged to one of our classmates who drove the same car - they thought it was their daughter! The car was totaled. My glasses were broken. I had bruises on my knees for a few weeks. I had just turned 18 so I could refuse medical service. I had to call my mom to pick me up and I was hoping she'd get there AFTER the car was gone but she pulled up just as soon as they had it on the flatbed - and she saw the damage. She looked surprised that both of us were uninjured.


Every few hours my mom woke me up to be sure I didn't have a concussion. When I got up the next morning, I called Tim. I asked him if he was barefoot when we had the accident. He said yes. He had walked around all the glass barefoot and also sat in a police car and no one noticed he was barefoot. I asked him how he was able to do that - and he told me that he had spent years walking on clamshells in his driveway!


A few years later, I lost a boyfriend who didn't make it home from my house - he had a car accident. I was in a blur then and while I spent time amongst friends, Tim was the one who got me through it.




I am fortunate to have the memories I have with Tim - there are so many. I am thankful that when I think of him, it is with happiness and joy - which is what he brought to all who knew him. I am sad that his life was cut short; believe me, he had so much more to give but I rejoice in the fact that I will see him on the other side - singing and barefoot with that sparkle in his eyes.

The Shoulds

From time to time, I suffer from a condition called, "The Shoulds."  It's a very common condition that can come about daily, weekly or even seasonally (gasp).  The good news is, once I take the time to reflect on the effects, I can shake it off before it becomes a more severe condition, sometimes referred to as the, "Debbie Downer," or the, "I'll Never be (fill in the blank here)," or, when experiencing extreme symptoms, the, "No One Wants to be Around Me, Including Me Syndrome."

Examples of "The Shoulds" include:

·         I should be exercising

·         I should be sleeping

·         I should be cleaning

·         I should drive faster

·         I should drive slower

·         I should be making my Christmas gifts right now

·         I should stay late at work to finish this

·         I should be more patient

·         I should be doing something more productive than typing this

Some people experience "The Should Nots" instead of (or in addition to) "The Shoulds."  

Examples of the "Should Nots" include:

·         I shouldn't be eating this

·         I shouldn't be buying this

·         I shouldn't take a nap

·         I shouldn't be wasting my time playing this game

·         I shouldn't care about this

·         I shouldn't do this

The best way I have found to deal with "The Shoulds" and "The Should Nots" is to have an attitude adjustment that consciously points out that I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  Doing or not doing something isn't going to change that; I don't need the self-inflicted guilt to slap my ego's face.

Goodness knows there is more than enough negativity surrounding us and the last thing we need to do to ourselves is self- inflict more negativity.  Sometimes I think if more people join the I AM GOOD ENOUGH movement, we will have a lot less negativity.  Who's with me?

I Stole Your Bench, B*tch!

I went out with my Mom last summer to the place that loves dogs. Overheard while on the sidewalk, "Oh, Treasure (name of dog)! Someone took our bench! Don't worry, we'll go find another bench!"

A. I sincerely doubt the dog cares that someone else was on the bench. In fact, the dog very likely would have rather gone over to the bench and check out the other dog/owner.

B. I HAVE GOT to train my kitten to walk on a leash so I can take her to this place just to see those "how dare you" faces that I'm sure I display regularly there.

C. I fully intend to make a sign and hold it up, while sitting on said bench that says, "I stole your bench, bitch." *Note: I believe Treasure is the name of a female dog, and, therefore would be using this word appropriately. Whether or not that may be misdirected towards the owner would simply be a complete error on the part of the owner of the dog.

D. I'm actually jealous that the most traumatic part of my day isn't because someone took my bench.

E. I am fully aware that you are jealous that the most traumatic part of my day was hearing someone else stress about their bench being taken.

Foil Eggs are the Gateway to Bad Things

Now that St. Patty’s Day has passed, we look to Easter.  I realize that Easter is a celebration of Jesus.  Halleluiah!  Okay, with that said, I would like to share with you a memory from my childhood that did not happen on Easter but happened sometime within the month before Easter.  My Mom needed to go to the pharmacy one day and brought my brother and me along for the ride.  While she was buying something, my brother and I were perusing the toy and candy aisles.  Afterwards, my Mom stopped at a friend’s house and left us in the car.

My brother was messing with something in the front seat and I leaned up to see what was going on.  He had taken a Big Bird toy and a Cadbury egg from the store!  I had never seen a Cadbury egg so I asked to see it.  Then, Mom walked back to the car.  I tried to give the egg back to my brother but he wouldn’t take it.  My Mom opened the door, sat in the seat then looked over at my brother.  She was floored!  Then, she saw that I had the egg in my hand.

After a hyper-freak lecture about how we were shoplifting and stealing (I think I asked her what shop lifting was, hence the discussion about stealing), she drove us back to the pharmacy to return the stolen goods and apologize profusely to the cashier.  I remember bawling my eyes out telling my Mom I didn’t take it and her not believing me (which, as an adult, I can understand now but then again, knowing my brother…).  My brother had no tears.  I refer to this attitude as whatever.

To this day, I do not like those large Cadbury eggs with their shiny foil.  Somehow, being falsely accused of shoplifting and forced to apologize through a waterfall of tears left a bad taste in my mouth.  I've never really trusted Big Bird since this incident either.  Happy Easter!!