In my daily commute, I
have noticed multiple acts of idiocy - people texting/talking on their phones while
driving. How do I notice these
people? Well, for one, I just drive when
I am driving. My phone is nowhere to be
found because I am driving a vehicle that can kill myself or others if not
operated properly. I also notice when
people pass me doing 70+ MPH (the road I commute on is 55 MPH for anyone
reading this in an area outside of Sussex County, Delaware) only to slow down
to below the speed limit moments later while I am rocking my cruise
control. Another giveaway is when the
person is swerving here and there - one lane, the shoulder, the middle -
wherever they seem to think is fit while they read or write while driving. Another fun bonus is when the person behind
me is so incredibly close to my bumper, they may as well have just hitched a
ride with me then they fall way far back to irritate other people behind them.
I've decided that I'm over
this cell phone usage thing. We are
Americans, are we not? We can surely
come up with WAY better things to do while driving than simply text/talk on the
phone. Here are some ideas:
1.
Portable
coffee/espresso maker, complete with steamer.
Not only can you have THE freshest coffee while driving but you can
impress your friends with your barista skills when you carpool!
2.
Portable
urinal. Let's be honest, if you are
going to have coffee while driving, eventually you are going to need to relieve
yourself. Why not learn how to urinate
in a portable urinal WHILE driving?
3.
Straight razor
shaving. Electric shaving while driving
is so 1980s. Let's really get retro and
bring back straight razors! One word of
caution: this type of self-care requires mad driving skills because of those
rumble strips on the side. It's like
shaving EXTREME!
4.
Ladies, let's not
leave you out on the shaving. How about
getting those legs taken care of? So
many women cruise with their legs on the dash heading to the beach - let's get
those suckers super smooth on the way there!
Of course, only one leg at a time on this - you need to be able to hit
the brake for those traffic jams.
5.
For those of you
who just need something to do with your hands (no, pervert - keep it clean),
how about an etch-a-sketch challenge?
Sure, you need to use BOTH hands for this but who really needs to keep
hands on the steering wheel? Getting
bored with a typical etch-a-sketch commute?
Make it EXTREME - you have 15 seconds. Draw the Eiffel Tower. Go!
6.
Interior table
tennis. Sure, table tennis is awesome in
itself but let's take it to the next level and really learn how to use that
rearview mirror for what it was intended.
7.
Ladies have been
applying makeup and styling their hair behind the wheel for decades. Let's turn this up and master spray tanning
while in motion. We've got this!
8.
Let's make lunch!
Bonus: If you happen to flip your car multiple times, you've literally made a
tossed salad! Deduction: You wrecked
your car.
9.
We've all heard
of Paint Nite. How about Car Paint? How many Rembrandts, Picassos, or Bob Ross' (happy
trees) can you make? Keep your work wall
art fresh!
10. So, you've done all of these already and
survived? Fair enough. How about blindfolded driving? Use your other senses to determine when the
light is red, where the lines of the road are located and what animal you just
hit because you are in the woods, genius, or are you? Maybe that was a COW.
*NOTE: All suggestions are
obviously sarcastic and should not in any way be attempted. If they seem ridiculous, it's because they
are just like texting/talking on the phone while driving. Knock it off and focus on the task at hand!
